Emetophobia is not something many people have ever heard of, despite it being one of the top 10 phobias in the world, among other common phobias as heights, spiders, death and public speaking. What is Emetophobia? To put it simply, it is an extreme fear of vomit/vomiting. Some people who suffer from this are not afraid of vomiting, but they cannot even say the word vomit without extreme panic, while others, fear the physical act of vomiting. This fear can be so extreme that the sufferers become detached from society.
This is a HUGE step for me as only a few close friends and family members are aware that I suffer from Emetophobia. I have suffered with this since the age of 4 (according to my mother). For as long as I can remember the thought of getting sick terrified me to the point of a severe anxiety attack. However, I was able to function normally and live my life. Sure, I thought about it from time to time but for 22 years my phobia was at bay for the most part. The only time it really "flared" up was when I had been exposed to someone who had been ill, which was rare. Although, those "flare ups" ranged from moderate to severe. I specifically remember one time where my mother had to take me to the hospital because I had been become dehydrated from not eating or drinking for days (due to being scared of vomiting). My brain would tell me that if I didn't eat, I couldn't become ill. But, like I said, I was able to function in society, going to school and work. My phobia was actually a good thing at times. As a teenager I never took part in partying, drinking alcohol or using drugs...I won't lie, I wanted to, but I knew that those things could make me vomit so I just chose to stay away from it altogether -- which worked out well for me and my parents.
Most people who suffer from this fear keep it to themselves for their entire lives. Simply making excuses and lies to get out of certain things that would trigger their fear. That was me. My mother and brother were the only ones who knew about my fear, and even they did not know the extent to which it effected me. Only recently have I "come clean" to certain friends about this crippling fear. Why did I choose to tell them? As of last year, my phobia has taken hold of me and my entire life and it will not let go. I physically cannot do certain things without extreme panic, followed by days of panic and anxiety. A friend would invite me to the movies and I would make up an excuse as to why I couldn't go, the real reason...I was terrified that someone in that theater was sick, or had been sick and was still contagious, or had been around someone who had been sick. Sounds crazy right? The funny thing about this phobia is that I KNOW it is irrational. I am not a moron, I am very much aware that vomiting will not kill me, yet, my fight or flight jumps into gear when faced with such an illness. I can keep telling myself how ridiculous it is, but it makes no difference. That is what makes it a phobia, rather than a simple fear.
The steps that I take to ensure I don't become ill would make your head spin. I know every detail there is to know about illnesses that cause vomiting. I also know exactly what chemicals will kill such viruses and which ones wont. I know how it is passed along, incubation periods, etc. There are only certain hand sanitizers that kill the virus (Gold Bond Ultimate Sanitizer and Wet Ones). Purell and other common brands, don't kill it.
Now, why am I not able to function properly in public? Because, no offense, but humans are disgusting creatures. Disgusting in ways that YOU likely don't even think of. Here is an example. Norovirus (Norwalk) is ONLY transmitted via fecal and vomit particles. It is impossible to catch the virus through breathing, and even saliva. Let's think about that a moment. Anyone who has gotten Norovirus, HAD to have put something in their mouths that had such particles on it -- disgusting. So what measures do I take? It isn't anything crazy as every human being should practice these steps as it is simply good hygiene. I have Wet Ones and my special sanitizer at home and in the car. I never go anywhere without them. When I use my debit card or touch anything that anyone else has touched, I use these sanitizing agents before putting my hands anywhere near my face. Consider this. How many times have you gotten gas, gone into the store, and grabbed a snack. If you're anything like most people, you've done it often. So, you have your snack, you pay for your gas with your debit card and happily go back to your car. You then decide, while driving, to eat your snack. Sounds harmless yes? Wrong! There are so many things that you've touched that have disgusting amounts of germs on it. Firstly, the gas pump. Both the buttons and the nozzle are both filthy with every germ and bacteria you can imagine. Such viruses as Norovirus, survive freezing and extremely hot temperatures, so even in the middle of the winter, the gas pump is still crawling with disgusting little particles. Secondly, your snack. How many people have picked that exact item up only to decide on something else? More nasty germs on your hands. Thirdly, the debit machine. You could likely shiver in fear if you knew just how disgusting those machines are. Alright, so there are three things that are crawling with illness causing bacteria and now it is all over your hands. Now, for examples sake, you get into your car and proceed to sanitize your hands. Think you're in the clear? Not so much. These viruses stay on surfaces for up to two weeks! So, your hands are sanitized and you then take your debit card out of your pocket to replace it in your wallet or other card holding device. Your debit card, is a danger zone. It gets swiped through a machine that hundreds of cards are swiped through every day. And that cramped space never gets cleaned. So you are swiping your card through a germ infested machine. If you don't sanitize your debit card, then sanitizing your hands seems somewhat useless does it not?
Now, a lot of readers might think I am insane for putting that much thought into getting gas. But just take a moment and consider it. Am I wrong? How many of the people who have touched all those things decided to not wash their hands after using the bathroom. Or maybe they did wash their hands, only to turn the taps off with their freshly clean hands, only to contaminate them again. Just because you wash your hands after using the bathroom doesn't mean everyone does, especially children.
Getting ill is something that we have the ability to avoid, but humans are so disgusting in their habits that illness will always be a part of society. If everyone used the practices I do, there would be no such thing as pandemics, or even epidemics (excluding air borne illnesses of course). So, now you may wondering, what about all of this prevent me from functioning normally. Well, going out into public is a breeding zone for bacteria that cause illness. The reason is because I have no way of controlling other people and their hygienic practices. I consider it to be extremely un-nerving to know that people can be so germy and not even care.
So, how do I deal with this fear? As of late, I've been sticking to the safety of my home, more importantly, my room. I rarely interact with my room mates (excluding my fiance of course) because I have no way of knowing how sanitary they are. I have trained my fiance to be as sanitary as me. Also, my mother and step father have begun following in my clean footsteps. Obviously I am aware that I cannot live the rest of my life in the safety and comfort of my room. Therefore, I am currently seeing a psychologist once a week in hopes to cure my phobia. If it cannot be cured, I hope to at least be able to function with it. Learn some anxiety control and start really living my life. This phobia has completely crippled my life. I am beyond lucky to have such a wonderful fiance. He is about the only person who truly understands and supports me in this journey. Most people will just tell me to suck it up and tell me how I am using my phobia as an excuse not to work or be in school, when in reality, this is an illness in itself (ironically). I despise the term "mental illness", however, that is exactly what it is. I am sick, and I am taking all of the steps to get better. Ian (my fiance) is my rock and he supports me in everything I do. He completely understands how this effects me, even though he cannot fully understand why it affects me the way it does. My mother knows what I am going through, however, she cannot wrap her head around such a phobia, so her support in this is small, but it definitely helps.
What are my goals? I want to beat this thing. I want to go back to school, get my degree and get a job in my chosen career. I want to be able to go to concerts, movies and out for dinner. I want to be able to go on vacation. I want to be able to go out of the house without the constant strain of panic and anxiety. I know I can beat this and I will beat this.
My reason for writing this is because I think it is time to raise awareness about this crippling phobia that effects more people then you could ever imagine. This is a fear of something that is completely uncontrollable, that is what makes it so life changing. An extreme phobia of heights is controllable -- in the sense that one can simply avoid heights. One cannot ever completely avoid bacteria, viruses and germs.
I encourage anyone reading this who suffers from the same thing to step forward. Leave a comment and tell me your story. I invite any guest authors who wish to write their own story about their life with Emetophobia and I will feature those stories right here in this blog. I must put out a disclaimer. This is a very sensitive subject to hundreds of thousands of people, any negative or condescending comments shall be promptly deleted.
I truly thank you for reading this entry, it means a lot to me that you were interested enough to read through to the end.
-Drea
